The Week In Review of Idiot News From Planet-Moron

DATELINE: PLANET-MORON (aka EARTH), A PLACE WHERE IDIOCY KNOWS NO BOUNDS

To say that haven’t become a nation of “Pop-Culture Fascists” would be an utter and total lie of the greatest magnitude, because in truth we thrive on shit that flashes across what my grandparents called the idiot box. But -while they were talking about made up, scripted programming and not the awesomeness that is reality television- they could not comprehend the fact of how, we, as a nation would follow the daily lives of idiots and the nonsensical as they trot across the screen in some seemingly reality and hang on their every virtue; wanting to know about every bowel movement. Like somehow what they see is in someway ‘reality‘. How sad has one’s life become when this is the joy look they forward too on a daily basis?

“Have you seen the latest happenings on "Real Housewives of Some Cuntville?”’

No? How can that be?”

“Did you see who won ’America’s Most Fakest Stooge Show? Weren’t they great? I voted like a thousand times for an eight hundred dollar phone bill!”

“No? What the hell’s the matter with you?”

“Have you heard and seen the latest about some put together, made for tv and I don’t know why they are famous famous-person and how they might be pregnant and were only married for a two hours?”

“NO?! Are you even alive?!”

Sadly this is the case for most of the mouth breathers we call fellow humans. So let me be Mr. Hypocrite and Devil’s Advocate and go over some of my favorite things of idiocy that flashed across my field of vision shall we:

DATELINE: PORNO

Turns out that Octomom, Nadya Suleman, has found a new use for her… well, her womanly regions (her pussy) in the form of putting things in rather than pushing things out. Like her eight-tuplets (truth be told, those eight kids were delivered by C-Section and not naturally) or her 6 other children for that matter.

Last month the 36 year-old Suleman was in the news for supposedly being an unfit parent but charges were never filed on the complaint, then Suleman filed Chapter 7 Bankruptcy (April 30^th) because her hopes and dreams of being the next and reality tv incarnation of Angelina Jolie never panned out the way she hoped, and the obvious cost of having like more than a dozen children -all together- having a huge effect on the paycheck especially when one doesn’t have one. However, Suleman, did say that she would do anything to support them. Enter the porn industry and the people who thrive on that type of shit, because someone (according to TMZ) must of made a offer she could not refuse because Suleman will be starring in an upcoming (solo I might add) X-rated feature. Although during an interview with the Today Show, Suleman explained that she would never do full-on porn, saying: "I won't touch other human flesh. The only flesh I'm touching is my own . . . I will not lose my grip of my deeply indoctrinated morals and values."

Yeah, okay. Because we think or actually care or believe about your “deeply indoctrinated morals and values”. Whatever!

What I am waiting for, however, is for her spawn to turn into drug crazed, cabalistic rage monkeys and search out a one Dr. Michael Kamrava (who was expelled in 2009 from the American Society for Reproduction Medicine for his crimes against nature. Meaning allowing people to have 8 kids at one time) for allowing their mother to go forth with this idiotic idea.

On a related note, Suleman was reportedly going to be swinging from a stripper pole as well at Florida’s T’s Lounge in West Palm Beach. But (again reported by TMZ) Suleman has opted out of the gig because of the interview she saw (or heard about) that aired on WPEC12 with who would be her fellow employees. A bartender at the club stated: “She’s got a lot of mouths to feed, so it was only a matter of time before she began stripping. She must be a little crazy. Normal people don’t have that many children.” And a manager added that he didn’t expect her [Suleman] to be experienced when it comes to the pole-work, “but I’ll say she’s going to be entertaining.”

But Suleman recently did rake in more than the $10,000 for posing topless for a British magazine.

DATELINE: RELIGIOUS ASSHOLES

Ah, good old serpent handling. You have to love that part of religion that doesn’t seem to want to die or fade away into the background of the modern world. At least not in the South.

Case in point: Holy Ghost-filled speaking-in-tongues Pentecostal pastor Mark Wolford, 44 (and just like dear old dad had before him), died this week after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual at an outdoor service being held at Panther Wildlife Management Area in West Vigini (Virginia). Wolford was carrying on the ancient tradition of snake-handling at the time of his demise. People like Wolford point to scripture as evidence that God calls them to engage in such a practice to show their faith in him. That is according to Mark 16: 17-18. And I quote -the bible: "And these signs shall follow them that believe: In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover."

Ye-ah. Guess God was either in the can at the time or Wolford wasn’t as righteous as he thought.

Wolford’s sister, Robin Vanover, told the Washington Post that 30 or so minutes into his [Wolford’s] service he began to pass around the poisonous timber rattler. "He laid it on the ground," Vanover said in the interview, "and sat down next to the snake, and it bit him on the thigh." However, instead of being taken to, I don’t know, a hospital, Wolford was transported to a family member's home in Bluefield about 80 miles away to recover. But only as the situation worsened, was he taken to a hospital where he later died.

For those of you who want to attend the funeral services, Wolford’s church, The Apostolic House of the Lord Jesus in Matoaka, will host a viewing Friday and the actual funeral service will be on Saturday morning. Wolford will be buried at the Hicks Family Plot in Phelps, Ky.

DATELINE: MASSACHUSETTS

Here is an odd little story from the East Coast.

Turns out that that sunscreen you just put on to sit in the sun is, strangely enough, quite flammable.

Brett Sigworth apparently didn’t know that either.

Because after he [Sigworth] applied some Banana Boat to keep from roasting under the sun he caught fire.

According to Dan Dillard, CEO of the Burn Prevention Network, believes the sunscreen might not have fully absorbed into Sigworth's skin and the droplets from the aerosol spray might have still been in the air. Dillard states: "As he [Sigworth] approached the Bar-B-Cue flame, the charcoal simply caught the vapor trail and it follows the vapor trail to where the bulk of the substance is, which is on his body."

Banana Boat say that there will be a prompt investigation of the incident. They have also stated that they are unaware of any similar incidents of that nature. But there is, surprisingly enough, a warning on the back of the sunscreen bottles that reads: "Flammable, don't use near heat, flame or while burning." But nothing about after it is applied.

The result of Sigworth turning into the Human Torch is a case of second-degree burns.



DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD

Former child star, and hopefully the next Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes plead not guilty for her… um, alleged drunk driving arrest that took place on April 6^th when she, um, sort of- kind of ran her car into a LA County Sheriff’s. Even though, Amanda kept saying how she didn’t drink she refused to take a sobriety test and in California -and all other states- was automatically arrested for DUI.

Bynes was not required to appear in Beverly Hills Superior Court on Wednesday, so she didn’t. Bynes having her lawyer enter her plea on her behalf. Instead the 26 year-old Bynes went on a drunken rant (okay, I have no proof that Bynes was drunk at the time, but in my opinion either she was or/and is a complete fucking moron for doing this) on her Twitter page as she [Bynes] called on the President of the United States, Barack Obama to have, and I quote: "Hey @BarackObama... I don't drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don't hit and run. The end.” Even though paparazzi having been trailing Bynes for weeks as she visits various night clubs.

Rick Bynes, Amanda’s dear ol’ Dad, told People magazine after her April arrest that his daughter "didn't have a single drink that night. My daughter doesn't drink."

Okee-Dokee. But then again what the hell is he suppose to say.

DATELINE: NYC

And last but not least and probably one of my favorites.

New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg has donned the armor of the righteous and set his site upon the dreaded 32oz BIG GULP. A war that is destined to be heard through the ages. Not because of it’s popularity but because it is so god damn retard.

Specifically the ban that Bloomberg wants would require that restaurants, movie theaters and sports arenas no longer sell sugary sodas in sizes larger than 16 fluid ounces. Although the ban does NOT prevent the sale in supermarkets, juices, diet sodas or alcoholic beverages of the same sizes. Our new superhero mayor wants to get a handle on the growing of America’s growing Americans. Stating to the New York Times that: "Obesity is a nationwide problem, and all over the United States, public health officials are wringing their hands saying, 'Oh, this is terrible.' New York City is not about wringing your hands; it's about doing something." Bloomberg also stated that anyone who thinks that they are going to die from thirst because they can no longer get a 32 ouncer can just buy two drinks or just get a refill. A statement that makes me chuckle because basically I think Bloomberg thinks that us as FAT Americans are too lazy to get up and waddle to the counter for said refill. The Mayor also dismissed claims that the ban encroaches on people’s rights, saying on the Today Show that the ban is NOT “exactly” taking away your freedom; it is not something that out Founding Fathers fought for.

Really? I think that maybe fucking Bloomberg should take a fucking history lesson, because that (while it wasn’t “soda”) that is EXACTLY what our Founding Fathers were fighting for. For fucking righteous assholes like him to stop limiting and/or telling us how to live our lives. Because assholes like him [Bloomberg] think that we should become a Nanny State where the smarter government people know what is best for us.

Blow me!

Again this idiotic law does NOT ban sugary coffees, or energy drinks that contain twice as much sugar in a smaller can than the fucking 32oz does. If fucking Bloomberg was so fucking worried about the waist line of his fellow fucking Americans and so fucking worried about diabetes, heart attacks, high blood pressure and other obesity-related illnesses then what about you all the fast food? (San Francisco has, however, a ban on HAPPY MEAL) How about I can walk into any doughnut shop in NYC, order a fucking dozen doughnuts and sit out front eat them all. Or is that next on your list of freedoms that the Founding Fathers didn’t fight for.

This is the type of thing that happens when somebody throws out the term: THINK OF THE CHILDREN because some twat thinks it takes a village to raise kids. No, sorry, it doesn’t. It only takes a parent. But these same righteous fools say look at the parents because they can not teach their kids the right way to eat. How about this: how about lets make healthy eating a tad bit cheaper. Because it is pretty god damn expensive to eat healthy despite the lie that we are constantly told how it doesn’t cost more that non-healthy items.

I think it is time send these assholes packing. Regardless of what idiotic party they are from. Because, lets face it, both parties pretty much suck ass. Because last time I checked America was supposed to be the home of the FREE. But now it is as long as it is not smoking, wanting gays to marry, fast food, sodas ect… ect… the list grows daily.

Until the next time we meet…