The Wager

“You realize this is the beginning of a bad joke, don’t you?”

“You see, that’s the problem with your people: Always trying too make fun. Mine on the other hand know better than that.”

“But humor, my dear brother, is good for the soul.”

“BAH! Humor! Devotion is good for the soul! Not some silliness! What did you have to laugh about in your life? Especially at the end? Or do you find being hung from a cross and crucified fun and humoring?”

Jesus could only shake his head as he sipped from his glass.

“How does it make you feel,” Jesus’ guest continued, “that the thing of worship for you is the object of your demise?”

“It doesn’t bother me at all. It is a gift for them too remember me for what and who I was and that I suffered and died for their sins.”

“Some gift. At least I gave my people the Black Rock. It was less painful that way.”

Jesus had too laugh at that. Mohammed had a point.

The two religious icons sat at a table of the Nowhere Café - Jesus drinking wine, Mohammed sipping tea - as they waited for the others who were supposed to be there to show up.

The Nowhere Café was located as the name suggested, in the middle of nowhere. The middle of nowhere this time being the Arizona desert. A lone dusty two lane black-top ends right out side the café doors.

“Do you find it ironic,” Mohammed said, “that the place we’ve chosen to meet sits upon a route that leads to the Underworld?”

“Not at all. But I do find it humoring.”

“BAH! Once again with the humor. What is it with you?” Mohammed drained his tea as he searched the café for the others. When none presented themselves yet he slammed his cup down in agitation, shattering it. “Where are the others? I can see the Dark One finding it humoring - DAMN IT! NOW YOU HAVE ME DOING IT! - to be late, but where is the fat one? At least I figured he’d on time!”

A waitress appeared, cleaned up the broken cup and gave Mohammed a fresh one. If she found it odd that Jesus and Mohammed were not only there but sitting at a table together, she gave no indication.

“You have to have some patience, my brother. They will be here in good time.”

As if waiting for his cue to enter the scene of some play, the large rotund form of Buddha made his way too their table.

“About time,” Mohammed said, testily.

“I beg forgiveness for my tardiness, my friends, but I was delayed by unforeseen events.”

“If you were a true prophet of God then the events would have been foreseen.”

“Mohammed!” Jesus cried out in shock. “Show some manners.”

“You should know by now that Mohammed’s flying camel has more manners, Christ.”

“Ah, Lucifer,” Mohammed said to the newest arrival, “should of known by the smell that you were here, nice of you however too pull your horns from your ass and join us.”

“What? Jealous that it wasn’t your ass I pulled my horn from?” Mohammed glared at Satan who smiled back. Then turned to Jesus, “So Christ, how are the hands and feet?”

“There just fine, thank you,” Jesus replied, failing too rise to the goading by Lucifer.

Their waitress reappeared pad in hand and asked if they were ready for her to take their order.

“I will have the honey glazed lamb chops and a side of dates.”

“Excellent choice, Mohammed. Very tempting. Bu-”

“What do you know about tempting, Christ?”

Jesus continued as if he hadn’t heard Lucifer. “- t I think I’ll go with the hot dog special.”

“UGH!” Mohammed exclaimed. “How can you put that trash in your body? You know what they are made of, don’t you?”

“Don’t believe everything you hear, my brother. The all beef ones are actually quit good.”

“And for you?” the waitress asked Buddha.

“I’ll have the vegetarian platter.”

“And too drink?”

“Water is fine, thank you.”

“And for you, sir?” the waitress turned to Lucifer.

“Steak.” He smirked at the look Buddha gave him. “Bloody. With a bottle of whisky. So,” Lucifer said once the waitress departed, leaving the strange foursome to themselves, “what brings us too this quaint little shit hole?”

“We’re here too discuss the continued growing strife amongst the Populace, most of which, unfortunately, done in our name.”

“I fail too see how that concerns us, Christ. Is it any of our fault the Populace is filled with nothing but stupidity. I mean Jesus - oh, sorry - how dumb can they get? Those idiots fail too see that all of our fathers are one in the same.”

“They aren’t as stupid as you make out to be, Lucifer,” Buddha said.

“They‘re not?”

“No, they’re not. They have made some great achievements. They‘re just slightly misinformed on some things.”

“Slightly misinformed! For Christ sakes, Buddha - oh, sorry again there, Christ. Don’t mean too keep throwing your name around. It’s just a habit I picked walking around the world.”

“No offense taken.”

“Now, Buddha. How can you sit there and say that the Populace are slightly misinformed? Take the Jews for Chri-…Lets take the Jews. They don’t even believe in him,” Satan points across the table to Jesus, “and he’s suppose to be the king of them all. Or how about Mohammed’s happy-go-lucky followers who strap bombs to themselves and go out and blow up the so called nonbelievers even though suicide’s supposed too be a sin. And all in the hopes for what? The promise of forty fucking virgins? What idiot wants that? Theirs a reason their still virgins. And that’s because they don’t put out!” Lucifer pauses too take a swig from his whisky. “Now that’s a torment that’s even worthy of me.”

“I’d watch your tongue blasphemer!” Mohammed shouts.

“Or what?”

“Now, now,” Jesus said, trying to diffuse the situation before it got out of hand. The last major strife Lucifer had ended up causing started a world war amongst the Populace and the near extinction of the Jews. “We are not here too argue, but too find away to work things out with what has been going on in the World.”

“You mean his doing.”

“My doing?” Lucifer laughed as he pointed to himself. “I hate to bust your bubble about things when it comes too me but I haven’t been doing anything out of the ordinary. Maybe you should try looking in the mirror and ask yourself about how things are going with the game that you all are playing.”

“GAME!” All three - Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha - cried in unison.

“I have played no game -” Buddha.

“-The only games are from you, Dark One - ” Mohammed.

“-I surely don’t know what you mean by playing games?” Jesus.

“You don’t?” Lucifer said around a mouth full of steak . “And here I thought I was the speaker of all lies.” Lucifer washed down his meat with whisky. Then continued:
“The three of you disgust me!”

Jesus answered before Mohammed could blow up at him. “Us? Disgust you? Your very pompous for someone that has been cast out of the Heavens by no less than Father himself. So tell me, how are we too disgust you?”

“Because all of you are full of shit! That’s why! You sit there and expect me to believe that you’re not playing games with Populace. Please. You guys have been going at each other for followers for forever and blaming me for when things turn out ugly.”

“That’s some statement, Dark One,” Buddha said. “I hope you have something to back it up.”

“Back it up? Why, Fatty, haven’t you looked at the state of affairs on the world? How Mohammed’s group is trying to destroy Jesus’ group - hell, any group that doesn’t see it their way - calling them the Great Satan.”

“It is no different than the Middle Ages,” Buddha replied.

“A lot of what went on during that time, Buddha, was his doing,” Jesus said.

Lucifer smiled as he thought about that time. “True. True. I’ll give you that. But I was still slightly pissed off about things.”

“And whose too say that your not still pissed,” Mohammed chimed in.

“Because I don’t have to be. Your followers are doing a bang up - no pun intended, Mohammed - job all by themselves.”

“I’m warning you, Dark One, you are starting to get on my last nerve. My people are only trying too show the world the that the true path is that of the Quran.”

“Now my brother, shouldn’t that be left up to the Populace?” Jesus asked Lucifer could hear a growing agitation in his voice.

An uncomfortable silence grew around the table as Jesus and Mohammed stared at one another. Then Mohammed said:
“It was once. Or don’t you recall the Garden?”

“The Garden’s undoing was strictly his.” Jesus pointed at Lucifer who feigned hurt.

“Now lets get the story straight. I did what I did out of love. Nothing more.”

“Love,” Mohammed exclaimed. “What do you know about love?”

“Quit a lot really. But as I said: of all that I did I did for love.”

“Lilith,” Jesus said under his breath.

“Precisely. So angry was she about being cast from the Garden over that scrawny Adam, she made me promise that I’d help her get revenge, and when Father made dearest Eve…well, how could I resist?
“What is that old saying about a woman scorned? My fairest Lil just so happened too be the first.”

“You did all that…causing chaos for eternity for some woman?” Mohammed was amazed at what he was hearing for the first time. “You are truly evil.”

Lucifer’s baritone laugh filled the empty café. “You’re one to talk. Didn’t you have something like thirteen wives?”

A sad look quickly passed over Mohammed’s face. “That was…that was after my beloved Khadijah was called home. But my followers deemed it necessary that I have heirs.”

“But thirteen?”

“Enough!” Mohammed was getting perturbed at being scrutinized the Dark Lord. “My couplings were done in the interest of mankind and for Father after what you did in the Garden. Yours was done out of malice and short comings of manhood!”

“Touché.” Satan cut off another large chunk from his steak, savoring it’s flavor as he chewed before continuing.

“Here’s the thing: You did what you did to show Father that you are the rightful heir to his kingdom when he finally grows tired of what he’s created. Nothing more. Nothing less. The same as the rest of us.”

The others at the table look away to hide the guilt they share. All that is except for Satan. He knew no guilt.

By the way, Mo,” Satan continued, “what did your dearest Khadijah think of your thirteen little flings. I can’t say she too pleased with you when you finally returned home to Heaven.”

“Your one too talk, defiled one!“ Satan barely escapes the cup Mohammed throws at him, but not the steaming tea as it slashed across his face and chest. The Dark Lord wipes his face then licks his fingers clean.

“Mmm, Jasmine.”

Both Buddha and Jesus restrain Mohammed as he tries to leap across the table and pull Satan’s head off his shoulders by his horns. Satan laughs as the three struggle with one another.

“Tell you what,” Satan tells them. “Why don’t we cut the bullshit and get too the reason to why we’re here

“Yes why don’t we,” a muffled Mohammed replied. Jesus and Buddha get up off of him and return to their seats. “What did you have in mind. And it better be good, or I swear in Father’s name that they’ll be finding pieces of you for the next thousand years.”

Satan laughed. He loved to laugh at their expense. “What I want to purpose won’t take quit that long.”

“Well get on with it then. I grow tired of the sight of you.”


A worried look passes quickly over Jesus’ face.

“What I want to purpose is a little wager.” The other three stare back, waiting for the Dark One to continue. “Something to finally clear the air between us and Father.”

“Get. On With. It. Already,” Mohammed said. Growing more irritated with Satan by the second.

Satan smiled. “Alright then. I purpose this: In a hundred years - if the Populace doesn’t kill themselves by then - whomever has the most followers will be the rightful heir to the world and everything in it.” Satan stares at the others across the table as he raises his glass high. “Do we have a deal?”